I was reading "Your Pregnancy week by week" the other day and laughed at the comments they made for the 12th week. Under the heading "Changes in You" is states that, "You are probably starting to feel better than you have for the most of your pregnancy. At this point, morning sickness often begins to improve." Uh, yeah right! I have thrown up MORE this week than any other week, what's up with that? My gag reflexes are so sensitive its disgusting. I walked down to the kitchen this morning to try and eat some breakfast and saw a stale piece of pizza from last night on the counter (thanks James) and a box of donuts that he bought for this morning. Gag! And then I couldn't stop. Luckily the bathroom was right next to me but I had yet to eat anything for over 12 hours so there was nothing in my stomach. Ugh.
The book also talks about weight gain and how, "You may be getting bigger in places besides your tummy. You may notice weight gain in your hips, legs and at your sides." Ha! After losing close to ten pounds this month, I weigh less than I did on my wedding day! I haven't seen those low numbers on the scale since 2005. So weight gain? Not really.
I know some people are probably thinking, oh you are so lucky to be losing and not gaining! My friend Stephanie, who is six months pregnant, thought losing weight was nice. But I would really prefer to actually eat a whole meal and not feel sick. I WANT to gain the weight so I actually can look/feel pregnant (am I crazy?) I wouldn't mind gaining 50 pounds (I might regret those words someday) if it meant that I could enjoy eating again. If it meant that I actually had an appetite instead of forcing myself to eat something because I know I have to. I have never been repulsed by food in my life so this is not fun for me. Cravings? Nada. Want to go out for dinner? It would be a waste because I only will eat a few bites! I feel bad for James because he loves celebrating with food (those Italian roots are strong) and we have yet to really "celebrate" because it would mean he would eat a fantastic meal while I would sit there picking at my food and trying to keep it down. Oh well, this too shall pass, eh? Or so the book says but you can't always trust words on a page.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The update
I had my follow-up appointment the following Tuesday and was nervous (do I never stop worrying!) The bleeding seemed to have subsided so I was encouraged by that. The doctor did an internal exam and said things looked alright and then she looked for the heartbeat with the doppler. She said she heard it but I couldn't really tell so we went to do an ultrasound again. Baby was still moving around and she said it looked beautiful. Not much more information was given besides what I had already known. They don't know what caused the bleeding, don't know if it will start up again, still a risk for a miscarriage, and not to really restrict any of my activities because nothing will really help. Not really comforting words but baby was still there which was great.
That week I wasn't feeling very well. The nausea and fatigue never really get any better and the bleeding had started again after my follow-up. So that didn't help comfort me. It seemed to get better by Saturday but then it happened all over again on Saturday night. I really hate the bleeding. On Sunday it was a little more alarming because not only was it straight up blood, but there was something else in it. Didn't look like clots looked more like tissue but can't say for sure. So I was worried and stressed all over again. So Monday I call the doctor and explain what is going on and that I want to come in and get things checked out. James decides to take the day off work so he can go to the doctor with me (which is a rare treat since his bosses are work Nazis). I get an late morning appointment and we go in. The doctor ultrasounds again (#6!) and baby is still kicking around in there. Ahh, I love seeing that little baby. I ask again about the bleeding and this time the doctor has more of an answer. ( I didn't understand things fully but will try my best to explain) He can see on the ultrasound that baby and placenta are looking good. Placenta is implanted on the left side but on the upper ride side there is a little gap between the uterine wall and a thin membrane. In that gap is where the bleeding is occuring. Basically the thin membrane needs to attach itself fully to the uterine wall, leaving no gap, and therefore no bleeding. I guess concerns are that the membrane will maybe continue to seperate from the uterine wall and go around to the placenta which would break that from the uterine wall and ultimately end in miscarriage. He said that the problem should resolve itself by week 13 (next week) which means I will have no more bleeding but if it does not then I will bleed throughout my pregnancy and be at risk for preterm labor and other things. He gave me a 75% chance of having a successful pregnancy. He also said again that there is nothing I can do at this point besides just not worry about it because we can't do anything. And if I wanted to, to go in every two weeks just to check on baby and the heartbeat but otherwise sit tight and wait.
I was glad that we seemed to have a bit more information on why I am bleeding and know what to expect in the next coming weeks. My prayer is that the bleeding will stop and that I can have a fairly normal remaining pregnancy. But this really just taught us that once again we are not in control, God is the one in control and all we can do is trust in him.
Trusting in the Lord seems to be a theme I am learning over and over and over again and yet I find myself needing to be reminded of it. How quickly I forget that he is in control! How often do I believe that my way is better and that he doesn't know what he is doing! Our wonderful Savior is constantly refining us as we go through the fire and he is making us more brilliantly beautiful everyday. That is what I am thankful for. That my Father in heaven loves me so much and wants to draw me closer to him that he is willing to let me go through pain and suffering so that I can see him more clearly and see what a loving and merciful God I have. This world is not our home. My husband is not my ultimate joy, this baby will not give me the satisfaction I need. Christ is my ultimate fulfillment and no matter how difficult this world can be we must remember that THIS is not our home. Our forever home will be with our glorious King and resurrected Savior. Hallelujah to that!
That week I wasn't feeling very well. The nausea and fatigue never really get any better and the bleeding had started again after my follow-up. So that didn't help comfort me. It seemed to get better by Saturday but then it happened all over again on Saturday night. I really hate the bleeding. On Sunday it was a little more alarming because not only was it straight up blood, but there was something else in it. Didn't look like clots looked more like tissue but can't say for sure. So I was worried and stressed all over again. So Monday I call the doctor and explain what is going on and that I want to come in and get things checked out. James decides to take the day off work so he can go to the doctor with me (which is a rare treat since his bosses are work Nazis). I get an late morning appointment and we go in. The doctor ultrasounds again (#6!) and baby is still kicking around in there. Ahh, I love seeing that little baby. I ask again about the bleeding and this time the doctor has more of an answer. ( I didn't understand things fully but will try my best to explain) He can see on the ultrasound that baby and placenta are looking good. Placenta is implanted on the left side but on the upper ride side there is a little gap between the uterine wall and a thin membrane. In that gap is where the bleeding is occuring. Basically the thin membrane needs to attach itself fully to the uterine wall, leaving no gap, and therefore no bleeding. I guess concerns are that the membrane will maybe continue to seperate from the uterine wall and go around to the placenta which would break that from the uterine wall and ultimately end in miscarriage. He said that the problem should resolve itself by week 13 (next week) which means I will have no more bleeding but if it does not then I will bleed throughout my pregnancy and be at risk for preterm labor and other things. He gave me a 75% chance of having a successful pregnancy. He also said again that there is nothing I can do at this point besides just not worry about it because we can't do anything. And if I wanted to, to go in every two weeks just to check on baby and the heartbeat but otherwise sit tight and wait.
I was glad that we seemed to have a bit more information on why I am bleeding and know what to expect in the next coming weeks. My prayer is that the bleeding will stop and that I can have a fairly normal remaining pregnancy. But this really just taught us that once again we are not in control, God is the one in control and all we can do is trust in him.
Trusting in the Lord seems to be a theme I am learning over and over and over again and yet I find myself needing to be reminded of it. How quickly I forget that he is in control! How often do I believe that my way is better and that he doesn't know what he is doing! Our wonderful Savior is constantly refining us as we go through the fire and he is making us more brilliantly beautiful everyday. That is what I am thankful for. That my Father in heaven loves me so much and wants to draw me closer to him that he is willing to let me go through pain and suffering so that I can see him more clearly and see what a loving and merciful God I have. This world is not our home. My husband is not my ultimate joy, this baby will not give me the satisfaction I need. Christ is my ultimate fulfillment and no matter how difficult this world can be we must remember that THIS is not our home. Our forever home will be with our glorious King and resurrected Savior. Hallelujah to that!
On to the ER
Blood. I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Please don't let this be happening! I know of spotting during pregnancy is normal but this is NOT spotting, this is bleeding. I was really confused because I had no cramping whatsoever, what could this mean?? I started crying just not believing what I am seeing and hoping it isn't true. I immediately call the nurse line and start crying as I relate what is happening. She says the best thing for me to do is to go to the emergency room. She recommends me calling someone to take me to the ER incase I have pain while driving or just emotionally cannot do it. I call Danielle, she has the day off which thankfully works out perfectly, I tell her what is happening and that I have to go to the ER. She says she'll be right over. Then I immediately call James. I am crying and telling him what is happening and he is really upset. He is all the way downtown and takes the train to work everyday so he says he will check on the train schedule and give me a call back of when he can be there. A few minutes later he calls back and says that the most recent train just left at 1:40pm, it is now 1:43pm which means he has to wait another hour for the next train to leave at 2:40pm. Darn those trains! I tell him that the hospital is close to a train station so he can just walk right over. A 2:40pm departure means he will not be there until an hour later so he will finally make it to the hospital after 3:40pm, two hours after I had called him. Darn those trains!
Danielle comes by and she drives me to the hospital. We check in, I go to triage where they ask questions, get my blood and where we wait. Danielle and I are both emotional but not really talking. What is there to say when you are ready for the inevitable all over again? All I kept thinking was, three times Lord? Do I really have to go through this three times? I was making such progress, I just saw the baby last week, I've never seen my other two babies and you have to take this one too? But I also knew that if a miscarriage was indeed the case, that God would give us the strength to go through it just like he did the other times. And that we would come out stronger in faith and would praise him.
But I really didn't want to go through it again. Danielle and I were called to a room and the nurse and doctor came in. They were both extremely comforting to me. The doctor said they would get me to ultrasound as soon as they could to check on the baby and that he hoped it wasn't another miscarriage. He was warm and gentle which I really appreciated. James came in maybe 10 minutes after we were in my room. So it worked out that he was there before we found out the news. James read us a Psalm which was really comforting and we waited. Then it was time for ultrasound. They wheel me up to another floor with James and Danielle following.
The three of us enter the ultrasound room and then the tech guy does the ultrasound. I am not looking at the screen because I just can't bear to watch but then James says "oh, wow" and the tech says that the baby is still there. We listen to the heartbeat (James's first time seeing an ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat) and everything checks out okay. The tech does a thorough examination and even checks my ovaries. He does see the bleeding but it is not affecting the baby. For now the baby is bouncing all over the place and looking great. We are all so relieved. The tech even measures me to be a week ahead of what I thought I was. I thought that on that day I was exactly 10 weeks. He tells me I am 10 weeks and 5 days. So that was exciting as well. Praise God!
We go back down to the exam room and the doctor comes in to talk to us. He says I had what is called a "threatened miscarriage" which basicaly means bleeding during first trimester of pregnancy. He said nothing can be done. It might stop or it might continue, they just really don't know. But to know that the baby looks great and to have a follow-up with my doctor in the next few days.
James and I are extremely relieved. I, of course, am still worrying because I just really don't like the bleeding and the words "threatened miscarriage" really doesn't provide me with complete relief either. But we did see the baby, we heard the heartbeat and everything was fine.
I am exhausted the next day and look horrible. My mother-in-law stopped by for a couple of hours and I had zero energy to make conversation or do much of anything expect lie on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. Sunday morning was not much better and so James went to church by himself. We had decided not to tell our friends and church that I was pregnant until I was 12 weeks. But since the whole ER thing happened and I was measuring at 11 weeks on Sunday, we decided we needed their support and prayer and 11 weeks is far enough. So James was able to announce it at our church and everyone was overjoyed. They grieved with us over our last miscarriage and we had several people that told us they had been praying every day for us since then so it was wonderful to be able to tell them the news.
Danielle comes by and she drives me to the hospital. We check in, I go to triage where they ask questions, get my blood and where we wait. Danielle and I are both emotional but not really talking. What is there to say when you are ready for the inevitable all over again? All I kept thinking was, three times Lord? Do I really have to go through this three times? I was making such progress, I just saw the baby last week, I've never seen my other two babies and you have to take this one too? But I also knew that if a miscarriage was indeed the case, that God would give us the strength to go through it just like he did the other times. And that we would come out stronger in faith and would praise him.
But I really didn't want to go through it again. Danielle and I were called to a room and the nurse and doctor came in. They were both extremely comforting to me. The doctor said they would get me to ultrasound as soon as they could to check on the baby and that he hoped it wasn't another miscarriage. He was warm and gentle which I really appreciated. James came in maybe 10 minutes after we were in my room. So it worked out that he was there before we found out the news. James read us a Psalm which was really comforting and we waited. Then it was time for ultrasound. They wheel me up to another floor with James and Danielle following.
The three of us enter the ultrasound room and then the tech guy does the ultrasound. I am not looking at the screen because I just can't bear to watch but then James says "oh, wow" and the tech says that the baby is still there. We listen to the heartbeat (James's first time seeing an ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat) and everything checks out okay. The tech does a thorough examination and even checks my ovaries. He does see the bleeding but it is not affecting the baby. For now the baby is bouncing all over the place and looking great. We are all so relieved. The tech even measures me to be a week ahead of what I thought I was. I thought that on that day I was exactly 10 weeks. He tells me I am 10 weeks and 5 days. So that was exciting as well. Praise God!
We go back down to the exam room and the doctor comes in to talk to us. He says I had what is called a "threatened miscarriage" which basicaly means bleeding during first trimester of pregnancy. He said nothing can be done. It might stop or it might continue, they just really don't know. But to know that the baby looks great and to have a follow-up with my doctor in the next few days.
James and I are extremely relieved. I, of course, am still worrying because I just really don't like the bleeding and the words "threatened miscarriage" really doesn't provide me with complete relief either. But we did see the baby, we heard the heartbeat and everything was fine.
I am exhausted the next day and look horrible. My mother-in-law stopped by for a couple of hours and I had zero energy to make conversation or do much of anything expect lie on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. Sunday morning was not much better and so James went to church by himself. We had decided not to tell our friends and church that I was pregnant until I was 12 weeks. But since the whole ER thing happened and I was measuring at 11 weeks on Sunday, we decided we needed their support and prayer and 11 weeks is far enough. So James was able to announce it at our church and everyone was overjoyed. They grieved with us over our last miscarriage and we had several people that told us they had been praying every day for us since then so it was wonderful to be able to tell them the news.
And so the stress begins
So after my 8 week appointment, I was hopeful that things were going well. James and I had decided not to tell a single soul until after this appointment. We had agreed that we would strictly tell only close family members if the 8 week appointment went well. So after the doctor's visit, I immediately called James to tell him that all was well and then I called my sisters. Danielle was enjoying her last full day in California with Sunny and her family so I thought it would be a good idea to call while they were both there and tell them the good news. Besides I had been keeping it a secret for a month and really just wanted to let my family know and didn't want to wait any longer. So I called them up and said something like "Something came up recently and it might interfer a bit with the plans to Disneyland in September. I hope you guys won't be upset but I might not be able to go on too many rides because I am pregnant." Happy screams were all around and then I proceeded to tell them all that had happened in the past few weeks. Danielle was shocked because she said she had no idea I was pregnant and didn't see any signs of it at all. Poor little dear. :)
After I talked with my sisters I went over to my parents house so I could tell them in person. With deaf people it is always better to tell important things face to face than it is any other way. So over I go, and tell them I have something to show them, then whip out the ultrasound pics. They were happy and excited, if not a little cautious (thanks Dad) but all in all they were glad.
James and I called his family later that night to tell them the news as well. They were ecstatic as to be expected.
But the following week, paranoia sets in. I was actually starting to feel better and not nauseous at all. Which preceded to freak me out because all the other times that I started to feel better, it meant things would go terribly wrong. So I called the doctor and asked if I could go in for another ultrasound to calm my fears and to check on the baby. I went in on July 25 (a Friday) and met with a nurse (I guess thats what she was, she never really said) and told her my concerns. She said that she was not very skilled on the ultrasound machine but could at least find a heartbeat. I told her that that was all I needed to see. So ultrasound #3 is done and baby's heartbeat is there and s/he's bouncing around without a care in the world. Whew! Big relief for momma.
The next week rolls around and lucky for me the nausea comes back. Mostly just have a general "blah" feeling and don't have any type of appetite. Its hard to eat too much at one time and occasionally have the food come up the chute it just went down and go into the toilet. Not pleasant. Lack of energy is huge! I am sleeping more than I ever have in my life and still feel completely unmotivated and sick most days. Danielle calls me on Aug 1 (Friday) to say she has the day off and if I want to meet her and mom to do some shopping. I say yes because I do need at least a bigger pair of pants and a new bra (I get to go up a size which makes me happy because it means things really are progressing and I am not sick for nothing!) So I meet them at mall but already do not feel very well. We look around at the sales racks and are not finding much of anything. We were probably there for less than an hour, I find the things I needed and then decide I really need to go home. I just have zero energy and am not feeling so well. So I go home and rest on the couch. I was home for maybe two hours or so when I feel a gush of something. I run to the bathroom and all I see is blood. Lots of blood...
After I talked with my sisters I went over to my parents house so I could tell them in person. With deaf people it is always better to tell important things face to face than it is any other way. So over I go, and tell them I have something to show them, then whip out the ultrasound pics. They were happy and excited, if not a little cautious (thanks Dad) but all in all they were glad.
James and I called his family later that night to tell them the news as well. They were ecstatic as to be expected.
But the following week, paranoia sets in. I was actually starting to feel better and not nauseous at all. Which preceded to freak me out because all the other times that I started to feel better, it meant things would go terribly wrong. So I called the doctor and asked if I could go in for another ultrasound to calm my fears and to check on the baby. I went in on July 25 (a Friday) and met with a nurse (I guess thats what she was, she never really said) and told her my concerns. She said that she was not very skilled on the ultrasound machine but could at least find a heartbeat. I told her that that was all I needed to see. So ultrasound #3 is done and baby's heartbeat is there and s/he's bouncing around without a care in the world. Whew! Big relief for momma.
The next week rolls around and lucky for me the nausea comes back. Mostly just have a general "blah" feeling and don't have any type of appetite. Its hard to eat too much at one time and occasionally have the food come up the chute it just went down and go into the toilet. Not pleasant. Lack of energy is huge! I am sleeping more than I ever have in my life and still feel completely unmotivated and sick most days. Danielle calls me on Aug 1 (Friday) to say she has the day off and if I want to meet her and mom to do some shopping. I say yes because I do need at least a bigger pair of pants and a new bra (I get to go up a size which makes me happy because it means things really are progressing and I am not sick for nothing!) So I meet them at mall but already do not feel very well. We look around at the sales racks and are not finding much of anything. We were probably there for less than an hour, I find the things I needed and then decide I really need to go home. I just have zero energy and am not feeling so well. So I go home and rest on the couch. I was home for maybe two hours or so when I feel a gush of something. I run to the bathroom and all I see is blood. Lots of blood...
Here it goes...
I haven't blogged in forever because the one thing I really wanted to blog about was to be kept secret. Plus I have had no creative juices whatsoever and nothing interesting to say because my life was wrapped up in said secret. Which was...I am pregnant. It really surprised me because I was not expecting to get pregnant so soon after my miscarriage. So it kinda threw me for a loop. I found out I was pregnant the day before my last post, so that was June 23. I had miscarried on April 23 and had a sorta but not really menstrual cycle in May. So by the time the end of June rolled around, I thought, hmm...I should've had another cycle by now. So I decided to go to Wal-mart and get a cheap $3 pregnancy test just so I could put my wondering to rest. Lo and behold it was boldly positive within 3 minutes. I couldn't believe my eyes. For one, never before had I gotten an insanely clear response so quick, and for two I just didn't think it was possible because all other attempts at getting pregnant have lasted at least several months. So I was shocked. I decided to immediately call my doctor because she had told me to call when I found out the next time I was pregnant so they could get started on watching things closely from the beginning. I called and they told me to go into the lab to get my blood drawn so they could measure the HCG hormone levels. I did and the next day they called with positive results but did say that my progesterone levels were low so I needed to start on progesterone and to go back the next day to take another blood test just to make sure the HCG levels were doubling. I started on progesterone that day and did the other blood test and they said it had doubled which was a good sign. Then they set me up with an appointment for the following week to have my first ultrasound.
I went back in a week later to have the ultrasound and I was, of course, extremely nervous. But the ultrasound turned out great and although there was only a little blob there, they did find the heartbeat already a'beating. I was measured at 5weeks and 5 days. We made another appointment for the following two weeks.
At my next appointment I was again really nervous as to what they would find but I had been feeling pretty nauseous beginning that week and knew that was a "good" sign. My nurse and doctor were great and wanted to do the ultrasound first before going into all the informational detail that they usually do for a first ob appointment. The doctor came in and did the ultrasound, again I held my breath, but there it was! A perfect little ball with tiny nubs for arms and legs and look, it just wiggled its little body! I was extremely relieved and the doctor was so cute, she said "yay, its a baby!" So she was excited for me as well, knowing my history. We were able to see the heartbeat and then she zoomed in and then I was able to hear the heartbeat. How awesome is it to see this tiny little life and see and hear that it has a little heart beating just like I do? When she left the room I was just so grateful and got a bit teary-eyed as I praised the Lord that the baby was okay. Unfortunately James was not there to witness this because of his work schedule but he was just as excited as I was when I told him all about it and showed him the ultrasound picture. I was 8 weeks that day and it was the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy, so we were thrilled.
I went back in a week later to have the ultrasound and I was, of course, extremely nervous. But the ultrasound turned out great and although there was only a little blob there, they did find the heartbeat already a'beating. I was measured at 5weeks and 5 days. We made another appointment for the following two weeks.
At my next appointment I was again really nervous as to what they would find but I had been feeling pretty nauseous beginning that week and knew that was a "good" sign. My nurse and doctor were great and wanted to do the ultrasound first before going into all the informational detail that they usually do for a first ob appointment. The doctor came in and did the ultrasound, again I held my breath, but there it was! A perfect little ball with tiny nubs for arms and legs and look, it just wiggled its little body! I was extremely relieved and the doctor was so cute, she said "yay, its a baby!" So she was excited for me as well, knowing my history. We were able to see the heartbeat and then she zoomed in and then I was able to hear the heartbeat. How awesome is it to see this tiny little life and see and hear that it has a little heart beating just like I do? When she left the room I was just so grateful and got a bit teary-eyed as I praised the Lord that the baby was okay. Unfortunately James was not there to witness this because of his work schedule but he was just as excited as I was when I told him all about it and showed him the ultrasound picture. I was 8 weeks that day and it was the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy, so we were thrilled.
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