Ever get those days where you just are not comfortable in your own skin? I have those days much more than I have in a loooong time. I have never had much problems with my weight except for a couple of years when I was a teenager. I had bulked up a lot in a short amonut of time and it was very noticable on how plump I was. People made not-so-nice comments and I just felt very uncomfortable at the weight that I was.
Thankfully I slowly started losing without much effort and when I started working after high school, the weight just melted right off. I was comfortable with my weight and didn't put much thought into it. Until now. Now I know, I know, you will say that I just had a baby and I look alright for it. That it takes time to take it off, that it took 9 months to put it on and should take about that long to take it off, blah, blah, blah. I know these things, I partially believe them to be true but it still doesn't make me feel better. So I am going to vent about it for a bit in hope that it will help. Bear with me people.
I gained about 28 pounds during my pregnancy. I was satisfied with that and didn't think it to be too little or too much. For the first trimester I was so sick I actually lost 8-10 lbs and then was finally able to eat again and put on some pregnancy weight. My eating habits did not change at all in the second trimester but by the third I noticed I ate a little more than I usually did. Mind you I was not pigging out on junk food and sugary drinks. I eat pretty healthly and felt good about what was going into my body at the time. When Blake was born, I stepped on the scale 2 weeks after and was surprised to see that I was only 8 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight. Score! I was so happy and figured that with nursing and some exercise, it would come right off with no problem, right? Wrong-o!
I had people asking me if I was ravenous and eating all the time but I honestly was not. I didn't feel any hungrier than normal. I wasn't snacking much and ate my regular sized meals. By the time my 6 week postpartum check-up came I noticed I was several pounds heavier than originally thought. The doctor's scale put me at 6 lbs heavier than the one I have at home. I figured out that our bathroom tiles do not distribute weight evenly and the tile I was using put me at a lower weight. Bummer. So I found a tile that had me at the same weight that the doctor's did. Now was the time to start exercising since I had the ok from my dr. I knew it would be hard work but not that hard right?? With some exercise, I would fit back into my old clothes in no time!
Wrong again! My sisters and I decided to form a little workout club with just the three of us. We would email each other everyday to share what exercise we did and the eating habits we practiced. We would use it to motivate one another and keep each other accountable to exercising. This started 8 weeks ago. For the first 6 weeks I have been working out 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes or more. Granted I have not done much in these past 2 weeks as I lost steam but in those 6 weeks I have GAINED 2 lbs! WHAT THE HECK? I am really disappointed. I have been doing cardio and sculpting with the Biggest Loser DVDs and those things kick butt! They promise "amazing" results in 6-8 weeks but I have yet to see anything amazing. My clothes are still too tight and every day I stare at my closet and try to pick out what can hide my poochy belly and not accentuate the booty. I even went shopping recently for new clothes that fit better. Umm... yeah they don't really fit better anymore. The excitement of new clothes in the dressing room wears off when you realize that when you sit down your muffin top makes an apperance and the clothes do nothing to camoflauge. I just about died the other day when we were out of town and I put an outfit on and saw how my tummy pooched out and you could see the fat bubbles in the skirt I was wearing. I knew I should've tried my clothes on before packing them!! Now I was stuck and had to go out feeling like a stuffed sausage. Or feeling as though everyone would be looking at me and thinking "oh, yes, we can definitely tell she had a baby recently." Ugh! Why must these thoughts invade my head?
Granted I have lost a few half inches here and there and I definitely notice I can handle exercising better than I did but the fact that the weight is not budging is depressing. The fact that after exercising pretty regularly for 6 weeks did not yield any noticeable results is depressing. Also nursing doesn't help a bit in this department. "Nursing will help you lose weight quicker". Liars! Sigh. I love my baby and am amazed at what my body did to bring him into the world so why must I be so hard on myself? Sometimes being a girl sucks. I hate caring so much about how I look, I hate feeling insecure, I hate feeling like I have to suck in my stomach every time I stand up, I hate crying over the lost figure. So what do I do now?? Get back on it!! I am getting back to exercising after breaking for 2 weeks, I have renewed motivation, I really want to get back to somewhere around my pre pregnancy weight because these extra 15 lbs do not belong here. I can't believe that I am left with 15 lbs after everything is said and done but the scale and my clothes don't lie.
I know, you'll say I look great and that's nice and all but its time to kick butt. Eventually it has to come off. Right??
8 comments:
April, when you first begin an exercise program, many people gain weight. You have gained muscle weight. Don't despair! Keep doing what you are doing. Continue eating a balanced and healthy diet, just like you are. Your body is working very hard for both you and Blake. Speaking as a person who has trouble losing weight -- I sure know your frustration! I lost weight when I was breastfeeding, but that is not true for everyone. And I think you have never looked more beautiful than you do now! You are doing the right things for your body, and it will pay off in the long run!
April, Mim is probably right. You're probably gaining muscle weight. Ignore your weight and look at how well you fit your clothes. Weight can be deceiving. Your weight can probably fluctuate up to 5 pounds in a day depending on how hydrated you are or whether you've gone to the bathroom or whether you've just eaten.
Furthermore, your body will seek to regulate itself. If you don't eat enough food, your brain will pick up on that and slow down your metabolism and store more food as fat. Of course, if you eat too much, you may speed up your metabolism but you may still have a surplus that will be stored as fat. The trick is to hit that sweet spot, to keep your body from thinking it's starving on the one hand, and to keep from overeating on the other.
Furthermore, when your fat cells shrink, they send a chemical signal to the brain to that effect. The brain then concludes that you are starving, and so slows down your metabolism and tries to build the fat cells back up. And oh, I almost forgot, it also kicks up your hunger drive.
This is why most people who are overweight can only lose an average of about 10% of their body weight when they go on a diet. The more weight you lose, the more your body works against you to prevent it. Eventually the hunger gets so bad you just can't help but give in.
When I was in boot camp, after being starved for 3 months, I eventually got to a point where I quite literally lost my mind for a moment, and despite the screaming drill instructor, insisted on dumping hot cocoa powder into my mouth as quickly as I could before he could cross over to me. You should have seen me, with my hands shaking in desperate glee to get a taste of sugar. I'll never forget that moment as long as I live.
The point is, losing weight is never simple. There are chemicals and hormones involved to an even greater extent than just mere diet and exercise. And look, you just had a baby, you're nursing, and all these things cause havoc on your hormones and chemical signals from your body to your brain.
That was my common grace answer. But that is not my only answer...
My common grace answer may have left you feeling a little hopeless and helpless. Good. Well, not good, but, yes, good. In some ways, your body is just going to do what it's going to do, and you need to accept that.
But how CAN you accept that, when you're appalled at what you see when you look in the mirror?
Well, April, you might not know it just to look at me, but I've actually got a lot of practice at being appalled at what I see in the mirror. I have years and years of practice at looking in the mirror and being disgusted, appalled, depressed, defeated, etc, etc, etc. Every single time I look in the mirror is another adventure in self loathing and disgust.
Now you have to wonder: does God care? I've wondered that myself more than once. Doesn't he care that I feel like I'm choking on my own body? Doesn't he care that while most peoples' faults are hidden, mine can be clearly seen by the most casual observer from across the room? Isn't God outraged when even ministers look me up and down with a sneer? (100% true story.) Doesn't God have pity? Doesn't he want to deliver me from this miserable existence?
Yes. Yes he does. But not yet.
If you are appalled when you see a little fat bulge in the mirror, now you are ready to really appreciate and understand why Adam and Eve made fig leaves into clothes and hid.
They sinned, and they were utterly appalled at themselves. They were appalled at their bodies, which no longer were faithful reflections of the glory of God. They were made in the image of God, and now they sinned, marring the image forever. And so they were ashamed, and were unwilling to remain naked, but covered themselves.
Now what you're dealing with is shame, but it's a shame based on something different. Your shame is not because your body no longer is a faithful reflection of the glory of God - that was lost long ago by Adam and Eve, and we were born into it. No, your shame stems from something else.
You feel ashamed because your body no longer conforms to something, but that something is not God. What is it? Well, some ideal of beauty you have in your mind I suppose. Or perhaps just your comfortable self. Whatever the case, now you are no longer in conformity to that ideal, and you feel shame.
But April, your weight gain has come about through no sinful or shameful behavior on your part. In fact, just the opposite. Your weight gain has come about through giving birth to a child, something even pagans view as honorable, and Christians more so. You have brought a covenant child into the world, yet one more member of the household of faith, yet one more witness to the goodness of God.
What you have done is not shameful, but just the opposite, it is admirable, noble, even miraculous. It is a picture of the goodness and blessing of God. Far from making you feel ashamed, you should view it as a badge of honor.
It is a vile and wicked thing that our culture has done to us. Our culture has sold us a lie, that if you are overweight, you are vile and crude and deplorable. Overweight people are made to hate themselves and to be ashamed of themselves. And why? Because it is assumed that if you're fat, there's only one way you could have POSSIBLY gotten there: by eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's every night before bed, or shamelessly gorging yourself at the Golden Corral every night.
Why do people think this way? Because like you, they usually never give a second thought to their weight. Maybe they got a little chunky once upon a time, but they stopped drinking 5 cans of Coke everyday, and the weight just fell off - no problem. So they look at some woman who's 300 pounds and can barely walk and they think they know exactly what it takes to get there, because they think they know how their own body would have to get there. They assume the woman must have spent years on the couch eating Cheetos and ice cream watching Jerry Springer, and they're appalled at her. She is the picture of a loser; she probably lives in a trailer, has no money, no job, probably lives with her boyfriend who deals drugs to buy her food, etc, etc, etc.
See how easy it is? That whole line of reasoning just feels natural doesn't it? I know for a FACT that that's what people think about fat people, because that's what I think about fat people, and that's what I've heard other people say about fat people. Everyone assumes it's SIMPLY a matter of laziness and gluttony.
And in our culture, whatever is not conducive to long life is a sin. Smoking, drinking, anything that might give you cancer or cut years off your life, whatever doctors say: that is law, that is gospel. Don't smoke, don't drink, drive the speed limit, listen to your doctor, get plenty of fiber, and you'll live long and be blessed and everyone will love you. This is the religion of our day. I'm quite serious. And doctors are our priests.
But it's all a bunch of crap. Sure, some of it is wise, but it is presented as religious devotion. Religious devotion to what god? My body. Yep, that's right. Our culture is one of self worship. Our culture is one of mirror gazing and self infatuation. I am wonderful, I am beautiful, I am important, I am unique, and I'm worth it.
But the Bible says just the opposite. Where the self worshiping religion gazes in the mirror and desires to see nothing but beauty, the Bible invites us to gaze into the mirror of the law of God, and there we will see ourselves as we TRULY are: wicked, sinful, deceitful - so much so that we cannot even comprehend it. The depths of our depravity knows no bounds.
But the Bible has not one mirror, but two. Once you have seen yourself in the mirror of the law, the Bible also invites us to see ourselves in the mirror of the gospel: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
Here is your true mirror! Here is the image of God perfected: Jesus Christ, to whom we are united by faith, and in whom we stand blameless and perfectly righteous before God, now and forever. As he is, so will we be with him in glory. We will be changed. It is only a matter of time.
Believe me, I have more sympathy for how you feel than I can adequately convey. I know very much what it's like to be appalled at the image in the mirror. But I also know the joys of being presented with the true mirror, the better mirror.
I remember the day when Mark Jenkins said to me, "You can't earn your salvation, but Christ earned it for you."
And just like that, the old mirror was shattered - though I still gaze in it from time to time. I can't wait for it to be destroyed forever.
When you look in the mirror, don't see a sausage. See a wife, see a mother, see a Christian: see "Christ in you, the hope of glory".
Aw gee! I think you look terrific! ( realize it probably doesn't help to hear that, but it's true.)
LOL I so know what you mean =) And just so you know I am only 32 weeks right now and have already gained 24 lbs! Ikes, this time is going to be a little harder to drop the lbs I think =( Anyways one think that really helped me with Peyton was counting calories, I would not go over 1500 calories in a day. Make sure to check drinks, and snacks also! Also make sure you are getting enough sleep, a lack of sleep makes you gain weight. Oh and drink coffee, it is calories free and gives you energy to keep on moving =) Those are my tips anyways! Good luck girlie!
Poor you! It sucks to be so unhappy with your weight, especially when you've been used to being happy with your weight for a long time! But yes, keep going, kick some butt, and eventually we will all see the results we want!!
I am so behind on comments! I can completely understand how you feel, and I am still struggling with weight from having a baby. I hope we can both see the results we want soon!
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