Full of Smiles and Fingers

I love this smiling baby face! He has become way more animated and smile-y this past week, giving big grins to almost anyone who talks to him in a high-pitched voice. I love the way his eyes crinkle and how his whole face lights up when he smiles. Also he is really good at putting his thumb/fingers in his mouth. Its cute to see him pop his thumb in and out with ease. Notice the coordination he has for putting his finger into his nose then down to his mouth. Yup, that's my boy! :)

Hear Me Out

Ever get those days where you just are not comfortable in your own skin? I have those days much more than I have in a loooong time. I have never had much problems with my weight except for a couple of years when I was a teenager. I had bulked up a lot in a short amonut of time and it was very noticable on how plump I was. People made not-so-nice comments and I just felt very uncomfortable at the weight that I was.

Thankfully I slowly started losing without much effort and when I started working after high school, the weight just melted right off. I was comfortable with my weight and didn't put much thought into it. Until now. Now I know, I know, you will say that I just had a baby and I look alright for it. That it takes time to take it off, that it took 9 months to put it on and should take about that long to take it off, blah, blah, blah. I know these things, I partially believe them to be true but it still doesn't make me feel better. So I am going to vent about it for a bit in hope that it will help. Bear with me people.

I gained about 28 pounds during my pregnancy. I was satisfied with that and didn't think it to be too little or too much. For the first trimester I was so sick I actually lost 8-10 lbs and then was finally able to eat again and put on some pregnancy weight. My eating habits did not change at all in the second trimester but by the third I noticed I ate a little more than I usually did. Mind you I was not pigging out on junk food and sugary drinks. I eat pretty healthly and felt good about what was going into my body at the time. When Blake was born, I stepped on the scale 2 weeks after and was surprised to see that I was only 8 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight. Score! I was so happy and figured that with nursing and some exercise, it would come right off with no problem, right? Wrong-o!

I had people asking me if I was ravenous and eating all the time but I honestly was not. I didn't feel any hungrier than normal. I wasn't snacking much and ate my regular sized meals. By the time my 6 week postpartum check-up came I noticed I was several pounds heavier than originally thought. The doctor's scale put me at 6 lbs heavier than the one I have at home. I figured out that our bathroom tiles do not distribute weight evenly and the tile I was using put me at a lower weight. Bummer. So I found a tile that had me at the same weight that the doctor's did. Now was the time to start exercising since I had the ok from my dr. I knew it would be hard work but not that hard right?? With some exercise, I would fit back into my old clothes in no time!

Wrong again! My sisters and I decided to form a little workout club with just the three of us. We would email each other everyday to share what exercise we did and the eating habits we practiced. We would use it to motivate one another and keep each other accountable to exercising. This started 8 weeks ago. For the first 6 weeks I have been working out 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes or more. Granted I have not done much in these past 2 weeks as I lost steam but in those 6 weeks I have GAINED 2 lbs! WHAT THE HECK? I am really disappointed. I have been doing cardio and sculpting with the Biggest Loser DVDs and those things kick butt! They promise "amazing" results in 6-8 weeks but I have yet to see anything amazing. My clothes are still too tight and every day I stare at my closet and try to pick out what can hide my poochy belly and not accentuate the booty. I even went shopping recently for new clothes that fit better. Umm... yeah they don't really fit better anymore. The excitement of new clothes in the dressing room wears off when you realize that when you sit down your muffin top makes an apperance and the clothes do nothing to camoflauge. I just about died the other day when we were out of town and I put an outfit on and saw how my tummy pooched out and you could see the fat bubbles in the skirt I was wearing. I knew I should've tried my clothes on before packing them!! Now I was stuck and had to go out feeling like a stuffed sausage. Or feeling as though everyone would be looking at me and thinking "oh, yes, we can definitely tell she had a baby recently." Ugh! Why must these thoughts invade my head?

Granted I have lost a few half inches here and there and I definitely notice I can handle exercising better than I did but the fact that the weight is not budging is depressing. The fact that after exercising pretty regularly for 6 weeks did not yield any noticeable results is depressing. Also nursing doesn't help a bit in this department. "Nursing will help you lose weight quicker". Liars! Sigh. I love my baby and am amazed at what my body did to bring him into the world so why must I be so hard on myself? Sometimes being a girl sucks. I hate caring so much about how I look, I hate feeling insecure, I hate feeling like I have to suck in my stomach every time I stand up, I hate crying over the lost figure. So what do I do now?? Get back on it!! I am getting back to exercising after breaking for 2 weeks, I have renewed motivation, I really want to get back to somewhere around my pre pregnancy weight because these extra 15 lbs do not belong here. I can't believe that I am left with 15 lbs after everything is said and done but the scale and my clothes don't lie.

I know, you'll say I look great and that's nice and all but its time to kick butt. Eventually it has to come off. Right??

Am I Mental??

Okay, so I have heard about forgetfulness, being overly emotional, and feeling like you lost brain cells while you are pregnant. But that never happened to me when I was pregnant with Blake. I felt just as normal as I ever had and didn't see what all the fuss was about. Truth be told, I felt a bit superior over other pregnant ladies who experienced these things as I didn't. But then I gave birth... and everything has gone downhill from there. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me sometimes! My brain definitely feels a bit more smaller than it used to. I just am not as good at keeping on top of things as I used to be. I lose track of items and forget what I am supposed to do.

Case in point:: A couple Sundays ago I was telling my friend Stephanie how I was noticing all these things happening to me and how my biggest pet peeve is typing on the keyboard. I constantly miss keys or switch letters and I never had that problem before. I don't know if its our keyboard or the fact that my brain is just not working properly but it is highly annoying. I am a really great speller normally and missing letters is so frustrating to me. I just don't understand it. I was telling her how I was late to church that morning because I couldn't find my keys and even switched words and said something like "I was trying to get from church to home" when I meant "from home to church". "See!", I told her, "this is exactly what I am talking about!". Then later as James and I were leaving church, I took out my car keys to have them ready and put them in Blake's lap while he was in his car seat so I didn't have to fumble with my bag once we got out. After talking to a few more people on the way out, I forgot where I put my keys. James had the car seat and I was searching my bag and asking James "where are my keys? I just had them!" I couldn't remember if I put them with Blake or if they were still in my bag or if I handed them off to James. James told me they were with Blake and that I put it there just a few minutes ago. Aahhhhhh!! This is driving me crazy!

Now for the emotional aspect of it...I cry at least 3 times a week now. I have always been a sensitive person and could cry very easily at movies/books, etc if I felt moved. But this is getting to be ridiculous. I think it has to do with the fact that I actually have a son now whom I love immensely and want to fiercely protect and the thought of something happening to him is unbearable. Or thinking about how things in life will affect him, its very very difficult. James has made comments on if I would like Blake to be in the service, what life will be like when he goes to college, will he be a reckless teenager, and things to that effect. My tears well up at the thought of him ever leaving me. I am ready to cry right now!! I know that Blake will never understand the love that I have for him and that as he grows up our relationship will change as well. I won't be smothering my teenage son with a million kisses a day like I am now. Or kissing his thighs and feet. So in some ways our realtionship will change and although it will be fascinating to see who he turns out to be...I am not ready to lose my baby yet! So all these types of thoughts make me cry. And just about any other little thing that I normally would not be so emotional over, I am now. Sigh. Get a grip!!

I used to remember things. I used to be able to spell. I used to not want to cry over the drop of a hat. But then I had a baby. The most adorable, sweetest, kissable baby alive and my world forever changed. I am a mother. I have a child. And although things are very different now I'll take all of the changes if it means that this little baby is here to stay. In the end all the annoying things are not that bad. I look at Blake and see that its worth it. I am head over heels for this little guy and I wouldn't change a thing.

Date Night In

James and I kinda had a date night on Monday. We had just gotten back from a weekend in Ohio and my house was devoid of food. The weather was gorgeous and James decided to pick up some groceries that he could grill that night. Now let me tell you that my hubby is an awesome cook. When we were first married, I felt out of practice from cooking and felt intimidated by his skills. I didn't like him in the kitchen as I was cooking because I felt as though he would think he could do things better than me. I am proud to say that I have honed my own cooking skills and am a pretty decent chef. But the difference between James and I is that I cook because I have to. Now, I love finding new recipes and trying them out and I love eating the finished product but I also put almost no creative effort into it. Give me a recipe and I will happily follow it. Only recently have I started to be a bit more flexible and don't have to measure EVERYTHING perfectly. I eyeball it a bit more which is HUGE for me since I am usually a pretty strict follower of what the recipe tells me. I get upset when it doesn't turn out right since I did everything that I was supposed to. James, on the other hand actually loves to cook. It is a creative outlet for him. He never follows recipes and just usually whips things together based on what he knows will taste good. He experiments, he tastes as he goes along, he changes things up. (I rarely taste my food as I am cooking it which is probably very strange.) He used to tell me to just look in the fridge and panty and cook something up. I would panic and say that I can't that I need a recipe but he has the skills to do that.

Anyway, so yes my husband is a fantastic cook and he enjoys cooking on occasion when the mood strikes him which I love. He enjoys the whole process from beginning to end. I usually dread the dinner hour and don't really enjoy the prep work and cooking process, I just look forward to seeing how it turns out and eating it!

But last Monday James was in the mood to cook so he brought home fresh catfish, small red potatoes, brussles sprouts and our favorite Yellowtail wine. Everything turned out amazing! I was afraid of the catfish since he had grilled it once before after we were first married and I thought it tasted disgusting, like the bottom of the ocean. He loves catfish and wanted to give it another go. He put cajun spice on the catfish and had the potatoes and brussles sprouts tossed in olive oil and lots of garlic and wrapped everything in tinfoil to put on the grill. He even set the table with candles and we had nice music playing in the background. He is so thoughtful and sweet. The dinner was delicious and it was so nice to have an unexpected "date night" without having to go anywhere. I predict that there will be far more of these during the summer and I can't wait!

Happy Mother's Day

I am keeping a journal for Blake for the first year of his life (hopefully I can continue beyond the first year but no guarantees) and this is what I wrote for him on Mother's Day. (I am a very simplistic writer and not that great at it but at least I can write things down!)

Dear Blake,

Today is my very first Mother's Day! I love being a mommy and am so happy that you are what made it possible. Being a mom has changed me completely. I love for you and care for you so deeply. I am greatly affected at the thought of something happening to you or of you growing up and being far away from me. I know that you will never fully understand how great my love is for you, which is why I wanted to keep this journal for you. In hopes that you will get a glimpse of the love that your Daddy and I have for you. In addition to having it written down, I hope that we demonstrate it to you daily as well so that you will never have a moment of doubt of our love for you.

This Mother's Day is very special since you are the first baby to make it into the world and really make me a mommy. I still feel the loss of my previous pregnancies and know that those babies will always hold a place in my heart. I loved them from the first moment I knew I was pregnant but never was able to experience the joy of meeting them. That's why you, Blake, are so special to me. You were the one that the Lord wanted us to care for as our first earthly child. I am so blessed to have you and my life is so much more richer with you in it. You bring joy and awe to our lives in a different way than we had experienced it before.

Daddy and I are so proud of you and love you a million times over. Happy Mother's Day to me indeed!

love,

Mommy

This Stinks

Dani tagged me. Thanks a lot dearie! Here is what I looked like last night after reading her tag. It was a long day and I was tired. Blah.