Okay, so I have heard about forgetfulness, being overly emotional, and feeling like you lost brain cells while you are pregnant. But that never happened to me when I was pregnant with Blake. I felt just as normal as I ever had and didn't see what all the fuss was about. Truth be told, I felt a bit superior over other pregnant ladies who experienced these things as I didn't. But then I gave birth... and everything has gone downhill from there. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me sometimes! My brain definitely feels a bit more smaller than it used to. I just am not as good at keeping on top of things as I used to be. I lose track of items and forget what I am supposed to do.
Case in point:: A couple Sundays ago I was telling my friend Stephanie how I was noticing all these things happening to me and how my biggest pet peeve is typing on the keyboard. I constantly miss keys or switch letters and I never had that problem before. I don't know if its our keyboard or the fact that my brain is just not working properly but it is highly annoying. I am a really great speller normally and missing letters is so frustrating to me. I just don't understand it. I was telling her how I was late to church that morning because I couldn't find my keys and even switched words and said something like "I was trying to get from church to home" when I meant "from home to church". "See!", I told her, "this is exactly what I am talking about!". Then later as James and I were leaving church, I took out my car keys to have them ready and put them in Blake's lap while he was in his car seat so I didn't have to fumble with my bag once we got out. After talking to a few more people on the way out, I forgot where I put my keys. James had the car seat and I was searching my bag and asking James "where are my keys? I just had them!" I couldn't remember if I put them with Blake or if they were still in my bag or if I handed them off to James. James told me they were with Blake and that I put it there just a few minutes ago. Aahhhhhh!! This is driving me crazy!
Now for the emotional aspect of it...I cry at least 3 times a week now. I have always been a sensitive person and could cry very easily at movies/books, etc if I felt moved. But this is getting to be ridiculous. I think it has to do with the fact that I actually have a son now whom I love immensely and want to fiercely protect and the thought of something happening to him is unbearable. Or thinking about how things in life will affect him, its very very difficult. James has made comments on if I would like Blake to be in the service, what life will be like when he goes to college, will he be a reckless teenager, and things to that effect. My tears well up at the thought of him ever leaving me. I am ready to cry right now!! I know that Blake will never understand the love that I have for him and that as he grows up our relationship will change as well. I won't be smothering my teenage son with a million kisses a day like I am now. Or kissing his thighs and feet. So in some ways our realtionship will change and although it will be fascinating to see who he turns out to be...I am not ready to lose my baby yet! So all these types of thoughts make me cry. And just about any other little thing that I normally would not be so emotional over, I am now. Sigh. Get a grip!!
I used to remember things. I used to be able to spell. I used to not want to cry over the drop of a hat. But then I had a baby. The most adorable, sweetest, kissable baby alive and my world forever changed. I am a mother. I have a child. And although things are very different now I'll take all of the changes if it means that this little baby is here to stay. In the end all the annoying things are not that bad. I look at Blake and see that its worth it. I am head over heels for this little guy and I wouldn't change a thing.
5 comments:
What makes a baby a baby? Being a baby is not a permanent state of being. No one remains a baby permanently. The whole point in being a baby is to become something other than a baby. If babies remained babies, they wouldn't be so special.
But remember too the age to come. We are so often tempted to focus on the many forms of loss we experience in this life. It's easy and quite natural to mourn someone's death or to mourn the loss of a close friendship because you've drifted apart, or to mourn having to leave a church that you love because you've realized that it's just not orthodox anymore. It's easy and natural to focus on loss; we're surrounded by it and steeped in it.
But for all the loss of this present evil age, the age to come is characterized by gain. When Blake grows up and has a family of his own (which is a VERY long time from now), it may be true that you will no longer have what you have now. But that will be for his good - and for yours. Nonetheless, in the age to come, all of these relationships will be shown to be but types and shadows of the relationships we will all have.
Jesus said that he and the Father are one. Talk about a close, intimate, personal relationship. They are ONE. The relationship between man and wife is only a shadow of this. But we who have faith in Christ are also united to Christ. We are one with Christ. In the age to come, this will be consummated, it will be completed, perfected.
But if we are, each one of us, perfectly united to Christ in the age to come, what will be your relationship to every single other believer that has ever or will ever live? The same, we will all be ONE. We will all be united to Christ perfectly and through Christ to one another perfectly.
So don't mourn the inevitable losses of this life as if what was lost will never be restored. It will be restored, AND MORE. What you didn't even know you were missing will be restored to you. In the age to come you will have a far better relationship to Blake (and Christ and everyone else) than you do now - and it will last forever.
Ghee
Very true. I know I will enjoy every stage of Blake's development and look forward to it. I just get a bit emotional sometimes when I think of him growing up. I think every mom feels that way. :)
Aww, honey, you're not mental! The way you feel is normal. Every stage of Blake's life will be wonderful and exciting. And when you need a baby fix when he is getting older, just have another child. You could have a dozen! ;)
Aw gee. No mental going on here! I'm not sure physiologically why the forgetfulness happens, but the emotional is something I see every day in the NICU/post-partum unit, etc. It's designed to help strengthen the bond between mom and baby, but it doesn't make it easier being hormonal. (Not that I know from personal experience, but you can remind me of this hopefully in a couple of years.) :o)
Hahaha! Yes, it is all worth it to have that little boy around!
Soo... you are more emotional, now eh? Hmmmm...
... mama cat. ;)
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